By Irene Hayton

We have all experienced situations in our lives when someone has offended or betrayed us either by their words or their actions. In some cases, it’s easy to forgive these transgressions, but other times it seems impossible to let these things go. So, instead, we hang on to the hurtful feelings and over time, we’re actually putting our health at risk.

When we fail to forgive, the resulting negative emotions (anger, hurt, resentment, bitterness, depression, etc.) can wreak havoc on our emotional, physical, and mental well-being. In addition to preventing us from fully enjoying life, these toxic feelings elevate our stress levels which may eventually result in an increased risk of heart disease and strokes and reduced immunity to colds and flu. Choosing forgiveness empowers us. It frees us of harmful emotions and, in many cases, it allows us to renew relationships with those who have offended us.

Just as it’s hard for many of us to say sorry and to ask for forgiveness, forgiving others can be difficult, even though we may want to do so. How do we get past these negative emotions to the point of forgiveness in order to start healing? Well, since our thoughts determine our emotions, we can begin by changing our thoughts. We can choose not to hold on to bad feelings, but this is easier said than done!

It’s helpful to realize that when people lash out at us it’s often because of their own personal “stuff” that they’re dealing with (or failing to deal with) such as stress, low self-esteem, unresolved anger and/or other toxic emotions. It’s important not to take their offensive behaviour personally because it may have nothing to do with us at all; their actions may just be a reflection of their own unhappiness with some aspect of their life. Instead, try to feel compassion for the transgressor—put yourself in his or her shoes to find out the reason for their actions. If this is not possible, just accept the fact that they may be having a bad day and that, unfortunately, they chose you as their target.

If possible, try to talk to the offender in a non-confrontational way and express your true feelings. He or she might not even be aware of the effect of their words or actions. A discussion may open the door to a healthier relationship for both of you.

What if the person who offended you won’t acknowledge what he/she did or apologize and make amends? What if the person passed away or is physically or emotionally unavailable to you? Writing your feelings down and choosing to sincerely forgive the person can be helpful in releasing “emotional baggage.” It’s not always necessary to tell the person that you forgive them in order to achieve the positive effects of forgiveness. Sometimes we won’t ever be able to find out why someone said or did the thing that offended us. We can choose to accept it as something that’s a part of our past and refuse to dwell on it in the present.

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that we’re letting them off the hook or that we’re giving in or that we’re saying what they did was okay. It represents a way to let go of negative feelings and to move on with our lives and it allows them the chance to do the same. Also, forgiving someone doesn’t mean that we should continue to have them in our lives—some relationships are harmful and shouldn’t be pursued, but this doesn’t mean that we can’t forgive them and move on.

It’s just as important, if not more so, to be able to forgive ourselves! We’ve all done things that we regret and we often tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others. If you’ve done something that is causing you to feel guilty, make amends by apologizing to the person you’ve offended, forgive yourself for your transgression (even if the person you’ve apologized to won’t forgive you) and resolve to learn from your mistake (everybody makes them) and to not repeat it in the future. Keep in mind that feeling guilty is a waste of time; it doesn’t accomplish anything positive or change what happened.

When we hold grudges, we may make ourselves physically, emotionally, and psychologically sick. Achieving forgiveness can free us of harmful negative emotions and help us heal on all levels.